Natural Selection
by CrazyWidget
Summary: A humorous fic with Sauron, Gandalf, and the whole gang...no Legolas though unfortunately...really funny so READ IT!


TITLE: My Kind of Fan Fiction  
RATING: PG for language  
DISCLAIMERS: LOTR and all associated characters belong to Tolkien....blah blah blah.  
SUMMARY: A parody of Lord of the Rings with the whole gang: Sauron, Fro Doo, Pimpin'....   
  
EDITOR'S NOTE: This was written by my friend and author, CrazyWidget. I (Yarrharr) proofread it for her. It's a hilarious story if you have our sense of humor... it's also Widget's first fanfic, so be nice and REVIEW!! Or I'll sic my bloodthirsty man-eating penguins on you!!  
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A dark and stormy castle lined with stones covered in sharp pointed edges lies at the pole, where all magnetic fields meet. In this castle is the one man that is feared throughout the kingdom and this man is none other than......SAURON!!! (old lady faints in a distant background) A dark chair sits in his main hall where the great "man" of evil sits. In comes his Sari Man who wears of course a sari as do all his trusted lackeys.  
  
"Dear holy Dark Lord! You're in the shape of a man! I heard.. y'know.. that you only had.. y'know.. an evil eye of darkness!"  
  
"It must be your first day my evil Sari Man of death, for no, I do have eyes."  
  
"NO, that's not what I meant. I said I thought that you were entirely one evil eye of Sauron...like the one you see from outside the tower...Duh," said the Sari Man.  
  
"Ohhhh that! No, that's just a special effect.(Sauron points to a bat-shaped signal light that stands at his window). Any member of the Scooby Doo mystery team could do it."  
  
"Oh yes, I believe I saw that episode."  
  
"Yes, it was very g-- Hey, why do you trouble the great DARK LORD SAURON! LEAVE ME IN PEACE AT ONCE!" yelled the Dark Lord of Tremendous Evil, getting up from his chair.  
  
The Sari Man sniffed and said, "They have Prozac for those kind of things....Have you ever considered that you're bipolar? Anyway the reason I came in was that I found three wanderers outside the castle and y'know they looked like they needed a bath, some food, and maybe some laser hair removal."  
  
"Well, send them in to me...stupid intruders. Move! I want to see that Sari fly!"  
  
The Sari Man looks at him in disgust as if looking at a pervert.  
  
Sauron covered his eyes. "I meant--you know, going fast! I don't want to see _up_ it! Leave!"  
  
"Why _do_ we wear saris, Dark Lord?"  
  
"Leave!"  
  
The Sari Man leaves and returns with the travelers some minutes later. As he enters the room he's laughing and smoking...something....hmmm.  
  
"This is Fro Doo (like hairdo), Pimpin, and Merry," he says, pointing in succession down the line.   
Sauron looks strangely at Merry since you can tell he's a guy, his name is Merry, and he's  
also wearing a dress. Sauron worries about the connection between Pimpin and Merry. Da Fro, taking a break from smoking his...well we don't know for sure WHAT it is...but y'know.... finally looks up at the Sari Man.  
  
"Duuuuuuuuuude...What's up with the Sari....mannnn?" he asks, his eyes glazed and unfocused.  
  
"Hey, I don't ask about your arrangement, do I?"  
  
He points at Merry and Pimpin. But just then another Sari Man runs in.  
  
"Hey Sauron old chap, we found this guy in a hat outside....too bad that was all he was wearing...I can't pronounce his name but he thinks he's a wizard. The Sari Man cracks up. But he's too stupid to say anything. Should I bring him in?  
  
"Yes Yes!" Sauron says impatiently. He wishes all these stupid intruders would stop wandering in so he can get back to working on his Axis of Evil, Volume 5 of his memoirs.   
  
The guy with the hat walks in. Fortunately his long, grey beard covers...never mind.  
  
"So! you think you're a wizard do you," pipes in Sauron.  
  
"Dur...aum...err."  
  
Sauron becomes frustrated and pushes a button. The guy with the hat is suddenly catapulted out of the castle through a hole in the roof. While he's falling through the air outside, an eagle comes to grab him with his talons but misses and accidentally decapitates the awkward man. Too bad.  
  
The Sari Man continues. "Oh yeah, and there are also these two people but they weren't very interesting."  
  
"Send them in too!"  
  
Minutes later a scraggly-looking man and a puny, limping, Tiny Tim-looking character walk in.   
  
"MY name is Airagone! declares the scraggly man. And this is Gimpy!"  
  
Everyone cracks up.  
  
"What? What? Why are you laughing?"  
  
Sauron says, "Well, your name, he starts laughing, it sounds like a deodorant!"   
  
Everyone laughs. Airagone looks confused, but Sauron takes a sudden interest in Gimpy.  
"Aren't you supposed to be a dwarf?"  
  
"Well...I guess so."  
  
Gimpy is catapulted.  
  
"Beware," says Airagone in despair, turning toward Da Fro, "the enemy has many forms...birds...beasts...."  
  
A bird flies in through the hole in the ceiling and craps on Airagone and extends his middle claw while flying out.  
  
"Well that just wasn't bloody nice! Airagone exclaims. You see Fro Doo? You see what I have to put up with?"   
  
Now Sauron's already limited patience is wearing out. Airagone is catapulted. A strange creature crawls upside down into the room through the catapult hole.  
  
"Well, what are you?" screams Sauron.  
  
"My precious...my precious," murmurs the creature.  
  
"What the fuck does that mean?!"  
  
Fro Doo shrugs. "Duuuuude....I think he wants my evil ring, Sauru."  
  
Sauron's eyes are really flaming now. "Don't call me that!"  
  
Fro Doo laughs. "Oh I get it mannn, the little evil lords on the playground used to make fun of you, didn't they?"  
  
Sauron bursts out crying. His tears extinguish his eyes. And while sobbing, he accidentally catapults Merry and Pimpin, who had wondered on to the catapult. Da Fro screams.  
  
"Hey, whatcha do that for?!"  
  
"Well, Sauron sniffs, it wasn't very smart for them to wander onto it, was it...it's kinda like natural selection. Now look at this creature here..., he points at the my precious creature', ...he talks about you're ring--HEY MY RING--anyway as if it were his gay lover and he's made it in the world. Sauron looks at the creature who is looking at him in return. Hey, what's your name?  
  
"Ur...Smeagol."  
  
"Smeagol! Sauron starts to laugh. Hahahaha, what are you Jewish? You're a Jewish monster!? Hahahaha! No wonder you're after the ring...it's gold y'know...you can't resist the jewelry can you? Hahaha... *EDITOR'S NOTE: The author of this story is Jewish, so she can make fun of it. But not anyone else! Because then it would be un-PC!*  
  
The creature Smeagol whispers, "Well, I have a nickname, my precious...Gullom."  
  
"Wait, wait, that sounds an awful lot like the Yiddish word for monster......"  
  
Too late. Gullom wonders onto the catapult and Sauron doesn't lose his chance. The Sari Man from the beginning of the story looks at Sauron inquisitively.  
  
"Hey Dark Lord, why do you wear that glove?"  
  
"Oh it's magnetized...it's actually the source of my power...and the ring completes it. That's why the ring is drawn to me."  
  
Fro Doo picks the ring up and hands it to the Sari Man.  
  
"Dude, you can have it...it makes me see shit."  
  
The Sari Man says, "Um that might be the--never mind."  
  
The Sari Man hands the ring to Sauron but the ring just floats above his finger.   
  
Sauron curses."Damn! It's become demagnetized! This sucks!" Sauron tries to push it down.  
  
"Don't force it!" cries Da Fro.  
  
Too late, because Sauron blows up. The Sari Man walks up and sits on the chair of the Dark Lord.  
  
"Natural selection I guess," he mutters.  
  
The End  
***  
  
Please review!!!!!!!


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